Date:	2003-06-09 15:36
Subject:	*yey*...???
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	She Don't Use Jelly (acoustic/live) - Ben Folds

Well, i haven't updated in the longest time, i just thought i should. I graduated, from that school... i think it was worth it. I finished school, got into college... bored as fuck! that's one that's given. I'm just waiting for papers to come so that i can get the fuck outta here.
There's really nothing interesting to tell, i'm just bored... i could start sketching something for tihs summer, or start doing something for my career, however... i don't got the patience. anyhoo...
I might go shopping today, buy a pair of pants and a t... i'm just so bored i don't know what to do...
my cheap vacation phylosophies have started again, for a change! Those always come in handy, and now more than ever cause i graduated outta' high school... do i feel special or what? buuhhhhh
well, i'm gonna go... i had nothing to do, so i thought i might as well write here... clearly didn't entertain me much, but... OKAYYY!!!!
laters...

Okay... there isn't much to tell frankly... I mean,what a shitty week... i can't stand myself anymore... standing up to people's ideals,expectations, suck my balls. I feel violent, depressed and very suicidal... i really want to end it!... but, i know that i won't, so i'm not worried... i need a break... i can't stand the presure... it's coming from fucking everywhere... it's my mom, my sister, my friends, even people i don't know... "i thought you were a better person" well, fuck you! u don't need to tell me that! i am what i am, and fucking period, but don't come telling me what u thought i was... i can't stand this shit anymore. everytime i wake up in the morning, it's the sort of thing "how i wish i didn't wake up!!!" just for once say fuck everything, everyone and shuv everything up my ass... i wish i could do that, but i can't and i don't know why. i can say that to people that i don't know, or that i don't care about, but to the people i do, what i am i going to say?. i'm so fucking tired god damn it... just kill me already.... grrrrrrrrr....
well, i'm gonna go, still here and typing in a very angry manner, but i really can't type some other way.
later.

Date:	2003-02-09 23:23
Subject:	sweatin like a mofo pig!
Security:	Public
Mood:	lazy
Music:	counting crows - big yellow taxi

It so hot! I feel like i'm in a fucking sauna! It's cwazy! Okay, so i'm basically wanting to flirt with this guy from school, although i am not sure it's the right thing cause we are friends... so i am, say... slightly flirting with him!? (if that's possible!?)... i'm just bored and wanting a boy friend.. but that's okay... i kinda' like him, but i sense there's no such thing as a chance, and even if there were, i don't think it'll last long cause we're both in school, and i leave pretty soon...
so, yeah... i'm bored... i don't wanna keep posting boring things like these... i got 2 quizes 2 tests 3 essays and some readings to do this week... and, uh... it's too hot to do it!
well, i said it! BIG FLIRT LINE!!! "See u r a decent man... some one i would date!"... bad bad girl... *whip lash* and there goes the big no no!!!
BNlah... that was fast!... buh fuckcing as hoo! I'm bored, so bare with me!
Well, i'm kinda' gonna go cause... blah... i gotta take a shower, and go to bed or come up with something creative to do...
later

Date:	2003-02-07 00:23
Subject:	Bursting with fruit flavor!!!!
Security:	Public
Mood:	apathetic
Music:	Portishead & Moloko - Fun For Me

Well, today i went to the doctor and she gave me this new medication... the only problem is that my mom doesn't want me taking it... piece of shit... tomorrow is gonna be a very down day cause i gotta stay in school until 10 at night and i really really really don't want to... reason of that being that i have to be in school the next day at 8 o'clock in the morning... yes, of a saturday!... So, as the title says it... BURSTING WITH FRUIT FUCKING FLAVOR!!!!!
I haven't done much thinking these days, i think it's because i really don't want to get into myself cause then things will get really ugly around this area. I don't have much to do, and studying hasn't been in the list of priorities, but slacking off is # 1!!!!!.
I wish i could sleep all day since the day itself doesn't matter, and then sleep all night cause the night doesn't matter either. Life is dull around here, no freedom what so ever, always depending on momy and daddy! Pisses the crap out of me, but then again there's nothing i can do about it besides... nothing... haha!
Well, that's it for my entry, there's really nothing interesting to tell and even if there were i can bet all the money i got (even if it's not much) that it wouldn't be as interesting as someone that is a little bit more sociable than i am...
later!

Date:	2003-02-01 22:47
Subject:	again and again and again
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick
Music:	Sheryl Crow - My favorite mistake

Today i went shopping with my parents... shopping with parents is good cause you can buy very expensive clothing without having to spend your own money. So, i got 3 skirts at Zara and I got 1 in levi... together with a shirt (really cool) in Zara and a sleveless t at Levi (also pretty cool). I love the skirts, they are awesome... i like them a lot... i am considering wearing them to school on monday, one of them... but, i dunno... it'll be pretty fucking weird!...
I still can't swallow shit of food, cause if i do i puke it out!... I look extremely thin, and it's not really looking good, but i really don't wanna eat... I can't explain it to people, i just don't want to eat, not hungry, everything like that. The fact that my mom gets pissed off at me every time that i puke doesn't make this whole thing any easier, but... i can't tell her not to be mad at me, cause partly she's right, but there is really nothign i can do.. i try to hold it in, but i can't!.
so, there's really nothing to tell... i'm planning on doing this short thing with some Hamlet lines, the whole To be or not to be, that is the question!? i watched, last night, the modern version of the play and i swear that there is nothing better than that movie... god! I love that movie!... particularly Ethan Hawk... yummy!... *naughty face*...
Anyhoo... i'm gonna go, not gonna put any frustrations in here today, maybe some other day... i'm in a pretty bad mood for a change!.
Later
C

Date:	2003-01-31 00:31
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy
Music:	Korn - Alone I break

Well, today wasn't a good day at all... I had to skip school because i was very sick... piece of shit, that made my mother take me to the doctor... i also had shrink... another piece of shit... so, the day wasn't that good, plus i missed class which gets me behind and that's an ass cause i have to catch up with everything this weekend.
Tomorrow, on the other hand.... is gonna be the same... Well, there was a slight break, and i puked again... fuck! I can't eat... i don't know why, but i eat, and oops! There it went!... Fuck fuck fuck! I hate puking, there's nothing more painful and more disgusting than that!...
So, yeah, as i was saying tomorrow is gonna be hell... i'm gonna have to stand shack mad at me because i didn't go to class, i have a meeting with the english teacher (another big FUCK!)... I really don't feel like doing anything, or even attempt to...
i talked to the shrink about it, the only problem is that i don't know what's wrong, and neither does she... she says it can be something about the chemicals inside that are unbalanced or some sort of shit like that... but... i dunno... whatever...
so, i really didn't do anything today besides go to the doctor, download music, listen to it, go to the mall with my mom for nothing... and yeah... that was it... very dull day and the problem was that i didn't bring any of my books so i can't study anything... i'm booooorrrrrreeeeeeeedddddd!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck!... this is really really boring, and i am not tired at all... and bla bla... no, i am not gonna mention that bla bla anymore cause it kinda' makes me wanna go puke again...
well, i am gonna go make myself some tea to see if the "revolution" in my stomach eases a little bit!
Later on!
c

Date:	2003-01-29 18:16
Subject:	All I ever Wanted!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cynical
Music:	Depeche Mode - all I ever Wanted

Well, piece of shit!. I am still in one of those moods that i cannot understand. I was in an aweful bad mood today... really really aweful. I couldn't believe how people didn't bitch slap me, well... only if they talked to me. So, i figured and it's concluded... i'm depressed. I don't know exactly the reasons, eventhough i know the area.
So... there's basically not much to tell besides i am very impressed with the amount of comments that i have done today that could have gotten me bitch slaped... but instead my good buddy (camila) and i just laughed at it once the phrase was set in the air! There are some pretty good ones, just can't recall them... one of them had to do with sex and her boy friend... she said it was wednesday and was all precipitated to go have sex qith her boyfriend, and i was like... "what? now wednesday is S day?"... it wasn't necesarily a bad comment, i just thought it was funny.
I don't know what to write about. I know what i am depressed about... i just... i am not sure that i can talk about it with anyone in particular cause i'll look like a dork.
Sociability is hard enough for me, so take me away from this big bad world... in the words of Bush. it's being pretty hard these days to stop and talk to people, i guess for lack of interest... i dunno... pretty weird... i just get all nervous and i dunno what to say and shit. It's another dumb thing. Also, i wanna go out!... I know there is no possibility what so ever for that happening in the next couple of months unless when i go to argentina, but...... fuck! How i wish it could happen!.
I got 76 days to graduation... can't fucking wait for it for obvious reasons!.
I have a really bad confession to make. I feel bad... cause, ok... here's the deal. My freshie friends are complaining that i don't talk to them anymore, and i do want to talk to them, but there is one in particular that i don't like that just... kinda' makes me wanna... slide back everytime i see them. I will talk to them, just that the whole sociability thing going on, and if i go talk to them and this girl is there... i'm gonna fuck it up so badly!... but anyhooo.... i don't really care... it's not something that i care... blah blah... what ever... lalala
so, yeah.... i can't say i'm bored cause i'm supposed to be working... eventhough dumb me didn't bring her books to study, so now dumb me is screwed tomorrow and will have to skip a block to do her physix homework.... piece of shit!... oh! And just for a change i got my hist internal assessment due in like less than 5 days! another piece of shit!... fuck fuck fuck... i've been saying fuck way too many times!... but, what ever... thankfully people don't comment on my vocabulary cause i think that they are already used to it!.
Well, i think that i am gonna grab a coke and do nothing... i'm not tired... though i should be cause yesterday i went to bed at like 3 in the morning and woke up at six and i slept around 30 mins in the bus... but no more... and tomorrow again at 6... i'm gonna be dead by friday!.
well, who cares... i feel dead anyways!
Later
C

Date:	2003-01-29 01:33
Subject:	blah
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	tori amos - spark

Okay, so it's 1 17 in the morning... i'm not particularly tired, but i would love to sleep, not for closing my eyes and resting but just to... lie in bed. I'm doing college applications, you can figure from that it's not the best day i've ever had in my life, but that's okay. I refuse to use complex words at 1 in the morning because it wouldn't make any sense.
Listening to my friend Tori... Pearl and a good cover of Sheryl's My favorite mistake!. It's good. I was suppose to do my english homework, then again, ask me if i did? nope. I know, i know! I should have, but i don't want to. It's not that i don't feel like it, it's just that it's too long and i am really worried about college and not about the vacation homework.
I don't know what's wrong with me, i'm just not in the mood for anything. I can't consider this a depression, or i can say that i've had far worst, but... i dunno... it's confusing. I don't want to talk about it with the shrink cause then this whole new thing is coming up between me, her and my family, so... mno mno mno... i don't want to seem like wonder woman, but i can handle it... some way or another.
It's taking for fucking ever to load a site for the applications... shit shit shit... I already missed one of the applications... yes, i am a slacker... i can't help to think that right now while i am exhausted and wanting to lie in bed, my friends are starting to decide whether or not they are gonna go to a club or drink their asses off at a bar or in their apartment.
I don't know what to think anymore, nor if i make sense while writing. I have so much shit to do, and not enough will to do it... I just droped my coke... big fuck... very monotonous fuck.
i think i'm just gonna go to bed... i have to come up with a really good excuse to get my english homework till sometime in the next days... eventhough i have quizes, tests, and papers coming out of my ass... plus tomorrow i have that big fat ass time with lil kids for the play... shit shit shit!
okay, i'm gonna sit here and wonder what i'm gonna do!
chauchas... y palitos!

Tori Amos - Spark

Spark  by  Tori Amos

she's addicted to nicotine patches
she's addicted to nicotine patches
she's afraid of the light in the dark
6.58 are you sure where my spark is
here, here, here

she's convinced she could hold back a glacier
but she couldn't keep Baby alive
doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere
here, here, here
you say you don't want it again
and again but you don't really mean it
you say you dont want it
this circus we're in
but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

if the Divine master plan is perfection
maybe next i'll give Judas a try
trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin
here, here, here
you say you don't want it again
and again but you don't really mean it
you say you don't want it
this circus we're in
but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

how many fates turn around in the overtime
ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find
you thought that you were the bomb yeah well so did i
say you don't want it
say you don't want it
say you don't want it again
and again but you don't really mean it
say you don't want it
this circus we're in
but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

she's addicted to nicotine patches
she's afraid of the light in the dark
6.58 are you sure where my spark is
here, here, here

Date:	2003-01-29 01:30
Subject:	blah....
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Tori Amos - Spark

Okay, so it's 1 17 in the morning... i'm not particularly tired, but i would love to sleep, not for closing my eyes and resting but just to... lie in bed. I'm doing college applications, you can figure from that it's not the best day i've ever had in my life, but that's okay. I refuse to use complex words at 1 in the morning because it wouldn't make any sense.
Listening to my friend Tori... Pearl and a good cover of Sheryl's My favorite mistake!. It's good. I was suppose to do my english homework, then again, ask me if i did? nope. I know, i know! I should have, but i don't want to. It's not that i don't feel like it, it's just that it's too long and i am really worried about college and not about the vacation homework.
I don't know what's wrong with me, i'm just not in the mood for anything. I can't consider this a depression, or i can say that i've had far worst, but... i dunno... it's confusing. I don't want to talk about it with the shrink cause then this whole new thing is coming up between me, her and my family, so... mno mno mno... i don't want to seem like wonder woman, but i can handle it... some way or another.
It's taking for fucking ever to load a site for the applications... shit shit shit... I already missed one of the applications... yes, i am a slacker... i can't help to think that right now while i am exhausted and wanting to lie in bed, my friends are starting to decide whether or not they are gonna go to a club or drink their asses off at a bar or in their apartment.
I don't know what to think anymore, nor if i make sense while writing. I have so much shit to do, and not enough will to do it... I just droped my coke... big fuck... very monotonous fuck.
i think i'm just gonna go to bed... i have to come up with a really good excuse to get my english homework till sometime in the next days... eventhough i have quizes, tests, and papers coming out of my ass... plus tomorrow i have that big fat ass time with lil kids for the play... shit shit shit!
okay, i'm gonna sit here and wonder what i'm gonna do!
chauchas... y palitos!

Tori Amos - Spark

Spark  by  Tori Amos

she's addicted to nicotine patches
she's addicted to nicotine patches
she's afraid of the light in the dark
6.58 are you sure where my spark is
here, here, here

she's convinced she could hold back a glacier
but she couldn't keep Baby alive
doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere
here, here, here
you say you don't want it again
and again but you don't really mean it
you say you dont want it
this circus we're in
but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

if the Divine master plan is perfection
maybe next i'll give Judas a try
trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin
here, here, here
you say you don't want it again
and again but you don't really mean it
you say you don't want it
this circus we're in
but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

how many fates turn around in the overtime
ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find
you thought that you were the bomb yeah well so did i
say you don't want it
say you don't want it
say you don't want it again
and again but you don't really mean it
say you don't want it
this circus we're in
but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

she's addicted to nicotine patches
she's afraid of the light in the dark
6.58 are you sure where my spark is
here, here, here

Date:	2003-01-29 01:17
Subject:	blah....
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Tori Amos - Spark

Okay, so it's 1 17 in the morning... i'm not particularly tired, but i would love to sleep, not for closing my eyes and resting but just to... lie in bed. I'm doing college applications, you can figure from that it's not the best day i've ever had in my life, but that's okay. I refuse to use complex words at 1 in the morning because it wouldn't make any sense.
Listening to my friend Tori... Pearl and a good cover of Sheryl's My favorite mistake!. It's good. I was suppose to do my english homework, then again, ask me if i did? nope. I know, i know! I should have, but i don't want to. It's not that i don't feel like it, it's just that it's too long and i am really worried about college and not about the vacation homework.
I don't know what's wrong with me, i'm just not in the mood for anything. I can't consider this a depression, or i can say that i've had far worst, but... i dunno... it's confusing. I don't want to talk about it with the shrink cause then this whole new thing is coming up between me, her and my family, so... mno mno mno... i don't want to seem like wonder woman, but i can handle it... some way or another.
It's taking for fucking ever to load a site for the applications... shit shit shit... I already missed one of the applications... yes, i am a slacker... i can't help to think that right now while i am exhausted and wanting to lie in bed, my friends are starting to decide whether or not they are gonna go to a club or drink their asses off at a bar or in their apartment.
I don't know what to think anymore, nor if i make sense while writing. I have so much shit to do, and not enough will to do it... I just droped my coke... big fuck... very monotonous fuck.
i think i'm just gonna go to bed... i have to come up with a really good excuse to get my english homework till sometime in the next days... eventhough i have quizes, tests, and papers coming out of my ass... plus tomorrow i have that big fat ass time with lil kids for the play... shit shit shit!
okay, i'm gonna sit here and wonder what i'm gonna do!
chauchas... y palitos!

Tori Amos - Spark

Spark  by  Tori Amos

she's addicted to nicotine patches
she's addicted to nicotine patches
she's afraid of the light in the dark
6.58 are you sure where my spark is
here, here, here

she's convinced she could hold back a glacier
but she couldn't keep Baby alive
doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere
here, here, here
you say you don't want it again
and again but you don't really mean it
you say you dont want it
this circus we're in
but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

if the Divine master plan is perfection
maybe next i'll give Judas a try
trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin
here, here, here
you say you don't want it again
and again but you don't really mean it
you say you don't want it
this circus we're in
but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

how many fates turn around in the overtime
ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find
you thought that you were the bomb yeah well so did i
say you don't want it
say you don't want it
say you don't want it again
and again but you don't really mean it
say you don't want it
this circus we're in
but you don't you don't really mean it you don't really mean it

she's addicted to nicotine patches
she's afraid of the light in the dark
6.58 are you sure where my spark is
here, here, here

Date:	2003-01-26 05:40
Subject:	What am i doing?
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Radiohead (cover Pink Floyd) - Wish you were here

Well, the answer to that question is simple... nothing. I finished my internal assessment for history... it was pretty easy, although i don't seem to completely prove my thesis in the Summary of Evidence, but i don't think i'm suppose to.
Anyhoo... i don't want to go to school, but part of me tells me it's for the best for me to try to leave some things behind. It's hard... I mean, go... not go... go... who knows!. I was watching AS IF earlier this evening... it's rather amusing!.
I don't know what to write... i might as well blab once again about my pain for not being in argentina, but i don't want to do that... or blab about wanting a boy friend... that i could do, but it wouldn't make anything happen, even though i'm in the mood for blabing about that. But, NO!.
I keep thinking about DTF... okay, that's not particularly talking about a boyfriend, alright?... so yeah... i keep thinking what the fuck i was thinking when i let that happen. It's crazy... But, then again, it's very me... I miss those times so bad. I'm thinking about writing a script about partys... in general...
i'm tired... i think i have a fever cause i'm cold but sweatin like a pig!. I want a cigg!!!!! DAMN IT!!! Aright, i defenetly gotta go cause because of some bizarre reason there are naked woman being shown on HBO... hmmmm....
aright... later
c

Date:	2003-01-25 04:19
Subject:	ENTRY 1
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy
Music:	Fito Paez - Dos dias en la vida

When you laugh, you nose wrinkles, and it seems as if you are not afraid to let out in one breath a pool of joy. Your eyes are deep, as long as you want them to, when you close them, you dive into yourself. Take a deep breath, gain the courage, and then open your eyes, to look at me, to tell me you are there with your eyes.
You feed my heart with sweet, and all it does is make me want to hold you near. I miss your smile, your mad face, the way you dance, your soft skin, your fears. I remember your drunk nights, and not even in your worst moments you look bad. I don’t feel poetic, maybe that’s what so different about this situation, that I love you but not with poetry in particular, but with everything I have. I love you, no matter if it was only one night that I was with you, I love you anyways.
I love your skin, your chin, your mouth, your nose and those eyes. The mysterious way you walk, as if there’s no one hurrying you, you take your time. I love you for your rebellious personality, your strong feelings, the way that you look at everything. I don’t love you for what people think about you, or the way you look, but the way you make me feel and the way you are.
I know that you don’t feel the same way, and if you do I would be the luckiest person in the world. You are sweet, and I want that sweetness, and I am worried that I will get hurt or hurt you. It has nothing to do with whether or not I am here, but it has to do with the fact that everything that I love gets hurt, and I with them. I don’t want to hurt you, I want to love you.
I am scared that I will do it wrong again. I was sweet, I was soft, I was mad. I wanted you to know, but I could have never gotten the courage to tell you how much I love you. They say one at the time. I did my investment this summer, that by the way went wrong, and I am not ready to make another one, only if you send me a sign. If something has to happen I know you have a strong personality to tell me what’s going on. Instead of diving, I’m gonna be myself, and not the obsessive person that I usually become once loving.
I think of you everyday, all day. I think of what you are doing, if you went out, if you got drunk, if you are smoking more or less, if you met with your friend or you are at home with your parents. I think if you think about me, the way I think about you, which you prolly don’t, but I wonder if you think about me at all.
I fear that I am starting again with the same habits as last year when I love.
When I say that i want to tell you, or i want you to send me a sign, i'm talking that i want to know if you love me as much as i love you. I know that there's that thing there, as we both know from this summer, but i wish i knew that you felt the same way about that kiss. I miss those kisses... I don't want to think about them, or i'll drop a tear. This is ours, but until i know that you think the same way i will not make a move to express the strong feeling i have for you.

I knew i was gonna come back and write another long ass entry, and i was right!
Well, listening to music, i miss every time more argentina... it's gonna be tough to know that i gotta FUCKING FORGET ABOUT IT!!!!... Partly it pisses the crap out of me cause last year it was easy, but now given the circumstances it ain't!. The thing is, i don't miss it during the day cause i was prolly the last person that went out during the day, but at night... uh... it gets ugly. I mean, i had the most of fun during the night towards the morning, i think that's why i can't fall asleep at least until 6 in the morning or so.
Smoking Gitanes isn't making it better either cause it reminds me of that club... I WOULD PAY MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO GO BACK AND SEE THAT PERSON ONE MORE TIME!!!!
My head is spinning cause first i think of one, then i think of another, then we go back to the first and so on so forth.
I keep remembering that night where i was driving with my best friend in the car and i started crying as the same song that i am listening started playing... I cried cause i didn't want to leave. Somehow this place has always been home, home for logical purposes, but it's amazing how much i feel like home when i am with the people that have known me forever. It's some how good to know that you got people that really know you and that make you feel that way. For me my best friend is like my sister, even though it's so hard for her to believe that. I always do the same thing... when i come back i think of these things... its' crazy.
Part of me knows that i gotta go to bed if i wanna get a hair cut, and go to school to figure out my thesis, etc... i don't want to work! God damn it!... FUCK!!!!! GRRR!!!!! I can do the term paper on sat beg of sunday, finish the book by sunday, and work all monday night to finish the paper for the book... that's something that i can do, but the only problem with that is that i will be dead by tuesday... heck... it's starting again... i gotta plot out some idea's for GTV as well.. Shack's looking good, by the way, he lost some weight... i kinda' missed him, but not in the crush way, in the way that he's nice...
AYYYYYY!!!!! I MISS DTF 317.... There are so many GOL'S like DTF it kills me... I always get the hope that i am gonna see DTF driving a GOL, but i know i won't.... and i get all sad... DAMN IT!...
It's gonna be tough... i need to work to get distracted!
I didn't even start my applications... partly, i don't feel like it cause well... I am kinda' disappointed that I didn't get in... FUCKING WANKER!... And if i didn't get into that college i'm prolly gonna end up in this shitty college... fuck... what ever!.
Well, I keep thinking about DTF and RED STAR... RED STAR.... hmmm.... RED STAR... BITCHIN!...
Well... enough of that... I dunno what to say or do... i should go to bed, but i don't want to, i should read but i don't want to, i should stop thinking but i don't want to. so, life is a big mess... i want my shrink, even though i figured that it won't help cause it's not like i trust her with these things... we talk mainly about family problems, etc... not about those things... i don't talk about those things basically with anyone... that's something that sucks.... i feel like being reserved...
i dunno...
well, i'm gonna go... do what? i dunno, but i'll come up with something... snif snif... i feel like crying...
RED STAR.... cry.... RED STAR... cry... YUP! there it goes...
Alright... gone
c

Date:	2003-01-24 22:04
Subject:	this is crazy...
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	ESSENTIAL MIX - PETE TONG (LOVE PARADE LEEDS)

alright, i already chose my topic for my history internal assessment, i must say that regarding that i might not just as well be screwed, but for the english, uh boy!... enough of school, i went there today, i really don't wanna go on monday.
i don't feel like i got much to tell tonight, maybe later on this evening i will tell you more, but it's just something that i can't predict... okay, i'm bullshitting. I slept from six till 9, i'm really tired and this cold is just leaving me... how can i put it? like a wet puppy...
i am still in need for love, i dunno why but i want the huggies... it's all cloudy here, it's unbelievable all it does here it's rain and more rain and more rain! Piece of shit!. it depressess. I want to go to argentina, it's funner there. I might go out with camila tomorrow, party... you know... not necesarily party, but prolly hang around. it should be fun. I don't feel like doing anything, i might as well go back to bed and watch Philadelphia... i rent that movie today... should be... sad enough.. hahaha...
well, gonna go.. really tired, gonna go to bed again, then wake up later on and study... bitchin!
later on
c

Date:	2003-01-23 04:23
Subject:	Something's changed
Security:	Public
Mood:	nostalgic
Music:	Juanes - Es por ti

I don't know why, but i can't help to think that there's something different in me. I hate this, because i don't know what it is. I don't want to say what i think, because i am scared, and because i'm gonna get so hurt. I think that it's because what i think, but i don't want it to be it. I have that sudden smoothness in my life that hasn't been there for such a long time. I have a calmness that has never been there before, and i have this way of looking at things in a different way than before. I used to get pissed off and make everything complicated, and now, i can't worry.
I never came back from vacations this way before, it's crazy. I really don't know what's going on. I don't think that i wanna talk about it with someone in particular, i don't think i wanna talk about it to anyone. It's just that my fear is that people are going to notice that i changed. I'm not that "annoyed with life" person but that person that really needs to spread something out... like... this is soooo cheezy, but i want to be sweet and romantic with someone, anyone... the problem is that i don't have anyone to be that way. I wanna boy friend, if you read in between the lines, or maybe a friend that wants that... i want the sweet huggies of someone and to get the butterflies in the stomach every time he looks at me or something.
I hate the fact that some people see me as a very hostile person, and i can't even hurt a fly. I think i have mentioned this before. I am listening to that Juanes song... Ay... how i wish i had someone's hands around me, someone kissing my neck, something romantic for the love of GooooDDDD!!!!!!!!! i'm in need, yes.... DAMN!
well, i dunno what else to say. I miss my best friend, it had been such a long time since i didn't see her. The first couple of days she managed to really piss me off cause i was like "PARTY PARTY PARTY" but then i understood that for her it didn't mean that much to get in touch with the social aspects of the argentine society, and relax.
This is going to sound really bad... but i have the need to look different but on the other hand, i feel that if i do show myself that way, people are going to look at me.... and i hate that. I mean, people that i like, looking at me... yes! Okay! Groovy, but people that i don't know and that i don't like talking about me behind me because i suddenly decided to wear a skirt... mno mno mno.
I wanna go to school tomorrow on a skirt, and a decent t, but i'm scared that someone's gonna comment about it, or somethihng like that, and it scares the shit out of me. I know, i shouldn't give a rats ass about what people say, but i do sometimes... maybe a lot of times.
Tonight i was lying down in bed, and i was thinking about something. I noticed how this guy was noticing me when i was hugging one of my friends, and he was looking at my hands... I kinda' saw it but i pretended that he wasn't looking. Then, that same night he was all depressed and all i could do is think how much i wanted to hold him... of course i didn't, just in case you wonder.
I want some lovin'... DAMN IT!
I'm listenin to this Elton John song, as bizarre as that may sound, it's from the almost famous soundtrack... it's a good song. I like the lyrics... talks about band-aids, not the things that you put in a wound, but as in the girls that used to aid the bands in the 70's.
Anyhoo, back to me... this is why i love this shit cause all I do is talk about myself. hihi!... but, yeah. I mean, i really want someone to love and that loves me back... i feel lonely. GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!
Okay, another weird tune... Nelly Furtado - Hey Man!... hmm... no comments about that one.
You know I wish i were an elf? My most desired wish is to be an elf. I love elf's, there's nothing that i love more. they are soooo sweet, or one of those old magicians... i got one of those in my room... not the actual magician but this thingy... i dunno how you call it in english, it's not a statue... it's like this... dude... anyhoo...
i have a shitload of work to do... i have 1 script (that is amazingly short) out of 3 done... i hate this piece of shit! I gotta go talk to shack tomorrow about it, but i really really really don't want to!.. .God damn it!... I don't wanna see him.... even though i'm gonna have class with him, it's not like i care much... it's just that i don't wanna see him cause... with the whole crush last semester, i hate this crap of going back to the same old place and seeing him again, cause i know those feelings are not gonna wake up again, and i'm gonna find him as hideous as i used to!... Fuck fuck fuck! I wish we could be friends though... like go out and shit, but like to talk about movies, not to do anything else... this sucks ass
i feel like crap... 1) I don't want to do my summer homework 2) i don't want to go back to school 3) I don't want to have class 4) I don't want to see any of the people inside school 5) I want a person to love (so bad that i don't care if it's a fucking plant) 6) I want to party 7) i don't want to go to bed 8) I wanna keep writing, but i got nothing to write about.

ES POR TI
Cada vez que me levanto y veo que a mi lado estás y me siento renovado
Me siento aniquilado aniquilado si no estás
Tu controlas toda mi verdad y todo lo que está de más
Tus ojos me llevan lentamente al sol
Y tu boca me habla del amor y el corazón
Tu piel tiene el color de un rojo atardecer
Y es por ti... Que late mi corazón
Y es por ti... Que brillan mis ojos hoy
Y es por ti... Que he vuelto a hablar de amor
Y es por ti... Que calma mi dolor
Y cada vez que yo te busco
Y no te puedo aún hallar
Me siento un vagabundo
Perdido por el mundo
Desordenado si no estás
Como mueves tú mi felicidad
Y todo lo que está de más
Tus ojos me llevan lentamente al sol
Y tu boca me habla del amor y el corazón
Tu piel tiene el color de un rojo atardecer
Y es por ti... Que late mi corazón
Y es por ti... Que he vuelto a hablar de amor
Y es por ti... Que brillan mis ojos hoy
Y es por ti... Que calma mi dolor

isn't that the sweetest song??? I love that song... I dunno why, and i know it's like popish and shit, but that i don't care... i love it... it's just... blah... ay... i wanna go back to argentina... DAMN IT! i know that here i won't find a boyfriend, and the guys (2) that i like here won't gimme the time o'the day!... GRRRRR!.. Anyhoo, anyhow, anyway...
right... work work work... i dunno what to write about... my ideas vanished!...
boom! phew!.
Shit shit shit... it's 5 already!... i gotta wake up in like 5 hours... should i try to sleep??? ay, i think it's best... see if i can dream a lil bit...

Date:	2003-01-22 06:50
Subject:	Alright...
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy
Music:	Juanes - Es por ti

Alright... it's almost 7 o'clock in the morning, i still didn't get any sleep from yesterday at 2 in the afternoon when i woke up. I am basically awake cause i had to restart my whole fucking computer... reinstall mac OSX... so, i'm really pissed off cause i lost a lot of important applications and i don't feel like asking shack for all the programs again. I don't know why but this year started with another mentality... shit, thinking about mentality i have to get done with my college applications. It's gonna be a year of hard work, but i am actually looking forward. I think i grew, i mean, growing is not that kinda' thing that you notice right away, but i feel that life is different, or that i look at it from a different angle. Don't get me wrong, i am still the same old slacker, but i feel that there's something different.
I know that i don't have the courage anymore, eventhough some people think that is somehting that will get me far, i still think that it hurts like a bitch cause this summer was the second time that i fall and it hurt. I met my old friends this summer, i must say that they are very fucked up, prolly like i've been before, but still... i mean, i look at them now and think "what are you doing???" I met different people, meaning i hang around with them... no big deal, good people.
I have been sick for around 15 days now, and i seriously feel like shit. The worst part is that i have to go to school, eventhough i don't want to, but that's okay. I don't know why i don't feel like starting school again. I mean, last year it wasn'n a big deal, i kinda' had a panic attack when i figured out that the people that i most love weren't there cause they moved, but then i moved on. this time it's not like something is missing, it's just that school has been this constant fight between stereotypes and who i really am. I sometimes think that i should change in order to fit in, but then the thought of knowing that those people don't matter takes over, and i end up being myself.
I miss argentina, particularly the beach. It's something that always gave me that comfortable feeling, that feeling of wanting to do nothing and just sit and look at the waves.
I started crying so bad when i had to leave, and the bus ride to Buenos Aires was so hard... I didn't sleep cause i had this fat ass lady who drank mate and when she finally fell asleep she started snoring so, that was... a pisser! I can't say that i like crying... there was this really good dialogue that i heard this summer... "uh... you are going to suffer, you are going to be hurt, it's gonna be tough" "I can't wait" "ah, so you like to suffer?" "It depends for who".
I guess that what depressed me when i left and the night before is that i am starting to say goodbye to people again. I mean, to those people that i have known ever since we were 4, i really didn't care much cause in 8 years that i have been living here, only one of them (my best of friends) sends emails, the others, it didn't even cross their mind... pretty disgusting, and sad for me. I was sad because i had met people, or talked with people that i thought were nice, and that i am almost sure that if i don't keep up with them, they won't keep up with me. It's tough... I also knew that it was prolly the last time that i was there since college during the summer there starts on jan 9th (and whereabouts)...
I don't want to think about it sometimes, i just want to... i dunno... i know that it's something taht depending on time (once again) can get good, but i also know that it's more healthy if i forget about it!.
I think that instead of sleeping i am gonna go to school and do my research.
I miss those people, cause i know that at this time they are inside a club, wasted off their asses, having a lot of fun.... i know that the person that i wanted to see once again in my life is there, and i am not... It's tought.
It's also tought to explain to people how much i ache when it comes to say goodbye to people, eventhough they don't believe that it's not a goodbye.
I wish i were there, with them, partying... laughing, or trying to help someone cause their drunk (i did that every night that i was at that club).
Well, off to see if parents are awake.
Later on!
I have updated even though i didn't mention everything... i think that this time i will keep some things to myself and try to keep them inside the heart cause they sure are worth it!.

Date:	2002-12-16 14:19
Subject:	This is the moment....
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed
Music:	Bush - the Chemicals Between us

The moments when we need someone to be beside you, you realize what your life has been in the past years. I realize that i am a very lonely person or a very masoquistic person. I dunno how you spell that. But, I realize that because the few people that i got around me either criticize me for the fact that i didn't get in, or tell me that they will get into better colleges, or just get more depressed than me because they didn't manage to get into one in their past. I don't have anyone that wil just tell me that it's okay, or tell me that i haven't completely failed. It's sad to know that in your first atempt to get out in the world, they don't consider you good enough. It's sad to know that you could have tried harder, but you simply didn't.
It's not refreshing to feel this, and it's not like i'm jumping in one leg, it's just that my dreams are slowly fading away. I wish i would have gotten in, but i didn't for now. I know that i can't improve my application, and that's sad because i could probably present better grades, or a better portfolio for sure. I'm not saying that i willl try harder, because right now it doesn't make much of a difference.
I wish there was someone that did tell me that it's okay, to fail... or simply someone that tells me that there is no need to feel bad about the fact that i didn't get in. I need to get out of here, or that's how i feel at least. I just told my mother that i didn't get in... boy! That face was unknown... I feel like i have disappointed my parents more than i have disappointed myself. I knew that it was pretty hard for me to get in, but they didn't. Now, the dilema is going to have to stand my parents in all of this, it's crazy. I know that my dad will be picky with grades, and it's not looking any good cause my exam grades are coming home after i leave probably.
I thought it was going to be a fun summer, eventhough it doesn't seem like it's going to be that way. I'm mad, not sad. I'm mad that i didn't get in because it was planned out, and now... well, all blown out in the air... i feel like saying fuck this, but i know that it wouldn't work much, so i just figured that it's better for me to come to terms with myself and leave my room, go somewhere.... then again, i know that i can't leave. I already called my dad's secretary to change my ticket on my way out... i hope i can change it to tomorrow or the day after, but i'm not sure. I just wanna leave, i don't wanna see my dad's face or my mom's face, eventhough it'll be harder to go to BA cause then i'll have to see everyone elses face of disappointment, but i'll take my chances. I know that my grandma is always welcoming and she won't look at me with that face that every one else puts. I just think that i had worked hard enough to eventually "get the role". But, if i haven't worked hard enough, i'll work doubly hard this time... i just wanna see where it drives me to, that will be a pretty funny situation, but no matter if i end up in a hospital, i will try harder... i will work my butt off this summer... i promise!
Well, gonna go take a bath, cry a lil and get over myslef and this whole getting in thing.
Later.

Date:	2002-12-16 12:44
Subject:	I didn't get in....
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed
Music:	no song

Well... that's that... i didn't get in... now i need either to get drunk stonned or something cause BOY! It seems as the world fell!
The thing is, i don't feel dumb or a loser or what have you for not getting in, i feel lost by not getting in, that's the issue. and I kinda' feel sorry for my parents, and for myself who has to tell them. Well, I don't know... I don't want to go to any college besides the one that i got differed from... i guess i was accostumed to the idea of going there... i'm not gonna keep my hopes up this time....... i'm just gonna let it flow. i wanna take the year off if i don't get in as regular action in emerson, but the problem with that is my father... i don't want to discuss with him about how i'm becoming like my sister or anything of that kind, i just want him sayin, okay.... Fuck this shit!... GOSH! I hate this!..
I wanna cry, but i don't wanna cry... tricky,....
well, i'm gonna go, but i didn't get in... at least for now, i didn't!...
Later

Date:	2002-12-15 01:54
Subject:	Maybe
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic
Music:	Lamb - Lullaby

Well, I might start working tomorrow or the day after that on my vacation film project. that basically consists on improving my editing skills, but not only that... i also wanna do something creative... something BIG! But, then again, the lack of people willing to act is something considerable, so... i guess i'll just stick around to the music video's. I don't wanna do any green/blue screen shit cause that's too complicated. i wanna go to the beach or to BA for that matter to get different footage, this time it will probably have no one there, as a character, and if it does it's prolly gonna be my sister. I got this shitloads of photographs stuck in my head that can really combine together on a video, but the problem is to find those images.I reallly wanna start working, the problem in on WHAT? I think i'm just gonna gather footage in no particular subject and see what i can do with it... that's the way it generally works these days around my mind.
I'm really starving for work these days, cause my life has been boring... i'm probably gonna be working on this whole video thing all summer long. I'm thinking about taking a camera into the club and filming there, then agian i don't know till what point the establishment will allow me to do that, but then again, i'll try my best.
So, i really wanna get to work, that's probably the 5th time i say that already, but GOSH! I wanna have something to edit, to do, to work on until 5 in the morning, something... life's a bitch on vacations! Fucking wanker... i'm going to bed... again... u know they say that sleep is not cumulative? I wonder if that's true cause i live tired... it's like i haven't slept in centuries and since there's nothing more interesting to do, i am not caring!
See ya' later
C

Date:	2002-12-14 14:37
Subject:	Shiny Disco Balls
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Who da funk ft Jessica Eve - Shiny Disco Balls

GOD DAMN! I didn't get into college yet... i mean, i still haven't heard about the decision, i don't know if it's because they didn't send the fax to school or because mrs. clemensen just simply doesn't want to tell me that i have been diferred.... if i was difered, then it's gonna be a long journey... and if i haven't, my question is "where's the party at?"
There's nothing to do these days, it's near xmas... not that near but near enough, and i wish i wasn't here. It's fucking ass boring, i just wanna go to ba and party, but i got one more week to stay here and slack off, probably gonna do the vacation homework... which is an ass because mr. johnson (aka Big Brother) wrote it becuase ms arndt was fired... DICKHEAD! I HATE THAT GUY! He enrages me in a way that is undescribable!... fuck him!
So, i will post something when the decision from college gets here... i hope i get in...
later
c